Insomnia Is Real and Here To Stay
I have Insomnia, but not the kind everyone in high school says they go through. My insomnia is real, full blown, the kind where you sleep 2-3 hours in a 24 or 36 hour period, and then crash and sleep for a ridiculous 18 hour "nap".
For about three weeks, my sleeping schedule has been back and forth. Some days I sleep, and others I can't. My body is exhausted, but my mind can't seem to turn off. I think, plan, recreate, and remember- it's horrible. You don't really understand how horrible not sleeping or fully resting is until it happens. You are grouchy and are unable to focus, which is a whole different problem in itself because of all the other mental issues it causes.
A couple days ago Charles walked in on me passed out on the floor leaning against the bed. I had been bottle feeding the kitten. (I currently have a 3-4 week old kitten I'm fostering. The kitten's basket is in front of our dresser by the bed. I leaned against the bed as I usually feed him). My head was thrown back all the way to the bed and I was passed out 100%. When he walked in he loudly said, "BABY!!" I jumped sooo high sooo fast. Then I went into a panic attack because I didn't know where the baby (that's what I call the kitten) was.
I couldn't remember what I was doing on the floor. I felt like a HORRIBLE "mother" for even saying this out loud, well writing it, because this wasn't even a human child. It was a kitten. I had put him back in his basket before I knocked out. It all came back to me after a minute or so. I looked into the basket and saw him sleeping peacefully.
Then I remembered that I had finished feeding him and put him back into his basket, and I was still on the floor because I was making sure he went to sleep before I got up. Moral of the story- I was so exhausted from not sleeping like a normal person that I crashed without even knowing it.
I've been laying in bed since about 11:30pm. It's now 2:33am. Granted I have the TV on and I've gotten up twice to feed the baby, but still ... I should have been able to fall asleep by now, but nope- I am not so lucky. Last night I didn't fall asleep until 4am. I can't wait to see my psychiatrist on the 5th so I can talk about my sleeping patterns. I guess the medication I stopped taking was helping me sleep. Well, I need to figure something out to help me get back on track. I also need to discuss the Agoraphobia that has only slightly gotten better. I want to be able to function again. I want to go back to work... I think. I know that I definitely want to be able to sleep, and have a good night rest.
All the other little things can be worked on after I am rested. You need to rest to have a clear mind. And you need a clear mind in order to work on yourself. So, I leave you guys with this ... I'm going to check and probably feed the baby once more, refill my drink, and turn down the TV to stare at my ceiling until the sun comes up.
Sweet Dreams Readers -M3
